100% more annoying

[freckles_and_doubt]

There's been a massive increase in spam from this LJ address over the last few weeks - I must be deleting 10-20 penis enlargement ads on a daily basis. Irritation value aside, this makes me obscurely grateful to be female and thus exempt from the insecurities which presumably give this kind of ad a fractional chance at success. (Although inevitable reflections arise on the kind of size insecurities to which women are prone. It says a lot about our state of contemporary culture that men worry that they're not big enough while women worry about not being small enough. See the Amazing Shrinking Woman! She fully internalises the sense of her own relative unimportance!)

Mostly, however, these ads make me worry for the status of science in our culture. A good half of them brandish subject lines which variously claim that 90% of women prefer a bigger dick! or 93% of women do not mention small penis size, for fear of upsetting their partner! or 85% of women will be 100% more satisfied by your 60% penis enlargement! This is one step further than the kind of wilful statistical misreading so ably pilloried by Language Log: instead of misrepresenting actual studies, often to say exactly the opposite to the statistical claim, these sorry examples of shamelessly unintelligent media exploitation follow the entirely new and original method of simply Making Shit Up. (Absolutely 100% of the women I have ever seen respond to the Size Matters issue firmly state that it doesn't, often while getting a sort of wistful, nostalgic gleam in their eye which suggests fond memories of a particularly memorable employment of technique).

Science, poor abused lady that she is, here takes on the status of a sort of shimmering chimera, what I would, were I being pretentious, call a Baudrillardian simulacrum. It suffices that the mere ideas of science, statistical analysis or actual research exist: the concept somehow legitimates the spurious numbers as if the reality of scientific method actually had anything to do with their generation. Look, these ads say. Shiny, reassuring numbers! Science is out there somewhere! Look how these gleaming percentages back up everything you were ever secretly afraid of anyway! You can trust us, we do Science. Not actual science, but its beguiling image.

Bleah. Also, pshaw and tchah!, and possibly phooey.

Last Night I Dreamed: things mercifully untainted by hallucinatory giant penises, for which I thank Morpheus. Instead, the family home of my high school days was under threat from a sort of creeping line of malevolent influence, which inched its way slowly up the garden leaving dried, charring vegetation in its wake. Panic ensued.

Comments

[veratiny.livejournal.com]

I, personally loath a large schlong. Unwrapped and presented as if you, the woman was supposed to faint from the sheer excitement. Phooey...to all men your faith and money are better invested in a copy of the Kama Sutra...so say I!

[extemporanea.livejournal.com]

OK, so now I have to quote Angela Carter. "To show his humility before his own erection, a man must approach a woman on his knees, just as he approaches god" (Sadeian Woman).

Am I imagining things, or are only women commenting on this post? :o

I forgot to mention...

[veratiny.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine has a great Simpson based quote for all perpetrators of science that is based entirely on fantasy...Scienticians!

83% of all statistics...

[schedule5.livejournal.com]

My husband is convinced that a similar appeal to pseudo-statistical authority is going on in women's skin care ads. He reckons it's always 80-something percent effective in the ads, e.g. 86% of lines / dark spots / cellulite etc reduced.

Re: 83% of all statistics...

[herne-kzn.livejournal.com]

I'v spend extended period of time trying to come up with methods of measuring such a number (frequently while notmarking (my new word of the day), all I can say is Goldberg eat your heart out.

[wolverine-nun.livejournal.com]

a sort of wistful, nostalgic gleam in their eye which suggests fond memories of a particularly memorable employment of technique

:D That made me laugh for a long time.

[starmadeshadow.livejournal.com]

`women worry about not being small enough' - unless they have 'small' breasts, in which case they, too, are prone to worrying about not being big enough (hangs head and blushes)...

[schedule5.livejournal.com]

However, women are clearly better at simply dealing with their lives openly and getting on with it. Which is why we have push-up bra's, and I have yet to encounter push-up underpants....

(BTW - you got an empathy blush from me there)

[herne-kzn.livejournal.com]

Science, poor abused lady that she is, here takes on the status of a sort of shimmering chimera, what I would, were I being pretentious, call a Baudrillardian simulacrum. It suffices that the mere ideas of science, statistical analysis or actual research exist: the concept somehow legitimates the spurious numbers as if the reality of scientific method actually had anything to do with their generation.
=================================-

Quite, and it makes me rather annoyed, deep and abiding love as I have for the lady in question.

[herne-kzn.livejournal.com]

And then there's the one I was sent a while ago.
Look at the five names on the list, cut your penis into five pieces and send one piece to each person, remove the bottom name and put your at the top of the list and send out to everyone you know (don't forget that step). In just weeks you will have yards and yards of penis.

[wolverine-nun.livejournal.com]

:D :D Oh goodness me, that made me laugh even more.
Now I need to go and teach complex numbers while laughing.

Complex numbers do bring me a lot of joy, but not usually enough to make me laugh...

(An example of cringeworthiness in another setting)

[(Anonymous)]

I was in London yesterday and saw a delicious advert on the Underground.

If you called them up, it promised, they would give you a damn fine instant car insurance quote. No obligation to purchase. Even better, don't worry if you don't need insurance right away: the quote is valid for 90 days and is interest free!

Adamastor

[d-hofryn.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you don't like Oasis :(

[extemporanea.livejournal.com]

I don't loathe Oasis: they're very easy to listen to, but somehow obscurely annoying. On the other hand, I really like Ocean Colour Scene, who have a nice sense of catchy tune. I will joyously wander into dark alleys after dodgy trenchcoated figures who employ librsa's throaty "How much for the little girl?" voice to whisper promises of catchy tunes.